Dirty Blood
by S3v3rusIsMin3
Summary: Hermione can't cope. This is her way of getting through each day. Warning: Adult themes, self harm and suicide references.
1. Chapter 1

**Just something at popped into my head. Please review with any suggestions or comments but no flames. I've had enough of people saying crap to me about my stories. **

**I own plot. thats it. deal with it.**

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"Oh, would you look at that. The Boy Who Just Won't Die is enjoying a nice outing at Hogsmeade with his slut, the _Mudblood _and their dog."

Malfoy smirked as Crabbe and Goyle sniggered stupidly behind him. Harry grabbed Ron as he leapt forward.

"Malfoy! How dare you! I'm going to rip your head off! Harry, Let go! I'm going to murder him!"

"Ron, please don't! Just leave him! He isn't worth it!"

"Mione! He called you a Mudblood! He isn't going to get away with that!"

Malfoy laughed as Harry held Ron back. He couldn't resist jibing us further.

"You should train your dog better Pothead and teach your Mudblood slut some manners. She should know better than to speak in the presence of her superiors."

Malfoy turned to leave just as Ron escaped Harry's grasps. I gasped as Ron jumped on top of Malfoy and started hitting him the muggle way.

"Ron! Get off him! Stop it!"

Crabbe and Goyle pulled Ron off Malfoy and threw back towards us. Malfoy got up and dusted off his clothes.

"You'll pay for that one Weasley! You and the fat slut!"

Ron almost went for him again but Crabbe and Goyle loomed up and looked menacingly at him, as if daring him to try anything.

"Come on Ron! Let's just go! Harry? Come on."

I slowly pulled the two boys away as Malfoy yelled tauntingly at our backs.

"That's right Mudblood! Take them away and do naughty things to make them forget the thrashing they just got! That's all you're good for you stupid whore!"

Tears welled up in my eyes as I tugged the boys away.

"Why I oughta!"

"Just leave it Ron!"

"Mione…"

"I said, LEAVE IT!"

Ron and Harry looked at me strangely as I ran up the steps and made my way to the Head's dorm. Yes, I made Head Girl. Of course I did. Everyone expected it. The real shock was seeing who the head boy was… Guess who… Yep, that's right! Everyone's number one favourite ferret! Actually, at the moment, he is my least favourite person. Ever since he got the head boy position, he has been abusing his privileges and annoying the hell out of Harry, Ron and I… Mostly me. I kinda live with him because we're both head's so that means that I have to see him morning and night and on the weekends if I choose to stay in. I suppose it isn't that bad because we've got this arrangement. The head's dorm is neutral territory. We are civil to each other while inside and we won't let any of our friends in but the moment we are outside, he does a complete flip out and starts treating me worse than ever as if to make up for all that time that he hasn't said anything mean. It drives me crazy!

"Are you going to give me the password or not?"

I looked up from my day dreaming to see the painting that guarded our entrance. It was an old picture of three snobbish ladies drinking tea and bitching about everything and everyone. They never have anything nice to say to anyone, not even me and I try so hard to be nice to them!

"Oi!"

"Sorry!" Flustered, I gave them the password (Interhouse Unity. Sooo clichéd) and stepped into the dorm. As always, it took my breath away to see the amazing architecture of this room. As you walk in there is a relaxing area, sort of like a lounge room, with a fireplace in the wall. To your left there is a fantastic kitchen (stocked by the house elves… I gave up on S.P.E.W. when Professor Dumbledore showed me how well they were being treated here) and at the back corners of the room there are two doors leading to mine and Malfoy's separate chambers. We each had an adjoining bathroom (Thank god!) so we didn't really have to see each other unless we needed to eat or wanted to relax.

I went immediately to my room and sat down on my bed. How could Malfoy be so mean? What did we ever do to him? I mean, there is that time that Ron tried to make him eat slugs and Harry always beats him at Quidditch but what have I ever done? It really hurts when he calls me a Mudblood. He says it like it's some sort of vermin that he has to get out of his mouth, pushing it through his teeth to make it sound dirty. Mudblood... I suddenly received an image of mud running through my veins. It's true though, isn't it? I really do have dirty blood. Muggleborn, mudblood bitch. A good for nothing bookworm.

Some of the other things he says… The ones that Ronald reacts to like whore or slut… and the one that hurts most… fat. I know I'm not as skinny as the other girls and I know that I never will be… but each time he throws that in my face, I feel like I'm the largest, most disgusting, obese person alive. I try not to let on how much it hurts me that he says that but sometimes I slip up and say something in reply. It just gets worse then and I always end up back in my room, crying my eyes out like I am now.

I hear Malfoy open and close the portrait hole before he stomps over to his door and shuts it. I don't hear anymore after that. It's just me sitting in my room, all alone. I walk slowly to my bathroom and look at my face in the mirror. I see a splotchy faced, mud-eyed bookworm with wild, uncontrollable, _ugly_ hair. I move my gaze down my body. I'm wearing a light purple blouse that looked fantastic on the hanger but makes my arms look like pieces of mutton and my chest stick out. I guess that's what Malfoy means by the slut comments today. My cargo pants accentuate my huge arse and thick thighs before dropping down to the ground to trail in the dirt. I really am hideous…

Fresh tears well up in my eyes as I survey my appearance. It's no wonder that Ron never notices me and Malfoy calls me fat. I am ugly and fat and a waste of space. I can't stop sobbing and I feel an aching sensation in my heart. I drop to my knees and clutch my arms to my chest in an effort to smother the pain. It grows, searing through my veins until every part of me burns in unholy fire. I crawl to the sink and fumble in the drawer before pulling out what I was searching for. I slump against the wall and lift up my blouse. I examine the criss-crossing lines that scar my fat stomach before another wave of aching ripped through my body. I pressed the razor into my skin and was rewarded by a thin trickle of blood dripping down my stomach. Some of the burning receded from my extremities as I cut again, this time in a long smooth line. Again and again I cut my stomach until all the burning had stopped within me and I could feel nothing but numbness as blood streamed from every cut. I lay there for a while, drifting in and out of unconsciousness before rousing myself to take care of the mess that I'd made.

'Stupid, fat mudblood!' I thought as I used my wand to clean the bathroom tiles. I struggled to my feet and hobbled over to the medicine cabinet to bandage my wounds. Once that was done, I walked back to my room and collapsed on my bed. 'Stupid mudblood. Good-for-nothing bookworm. Fat whore. Ugly Slut. Stuck up bitch.' I slowly fell asleep to my furious, shameful thoughts.

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**Thanx for reading. Any ideas who she should go out with would be greatly appreciated.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey, I forgot to mention in the first chapter that in this story, no-one worries about Voldemort. The trio is in their final year and on the holidays they sometimes go to Grimmauld Place.**

**If I've forgotten anything else, I'll put it on the next chapter :P**

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In the morning, I woke up. Yesterday was Saturday, a Hogsmeade day so today was Sunday and that means that I had to study. I sat up slowly, well aware that I may have given myself worse scars this time… Scars that would never heal. I sighed and pulled out my books. Arithmacy, Defence Against the Dark Arts, Transfiguration Potions… My thoughts started to drift to what I had done yesterday afternoon. I knew what I did was wrong in some way. That self harm wasn't the right answer… but it was an answer. It helped for a while, kept the pain at bay… then it became addictive and I needed to cut more and more each time to stop the burning. I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't tell anyone. God forbid! If anyone found, I just know it would go around the school like wildfire and then hell would rise to earth. Slytherins would torment me while Gryffindors questioned me. Hufflepuffs would pity me and Ravenclaws would try to find a solution.

None of them understood how much I craved that release every night. How much I needed it nowadays, just to help me to survive… There are days when it's worse… like yesterday. Usually these follow some sort of verbal Slytherin attack. Always mocking me, tormenting me. Always there to be my own personal hell. God I hate them so much…Although, looking at it, all they are doing is telling me the truth. I am fat. I am a slut. I do have dirty blood which spills all over the floor every night as I once again let myself go. I may hate them but I hate myself more.

I shook myself mentally. I needed to focus on studying. So I did. For many hours, I immersed myself in the glorious world of my dusty volumes. I didn't emerge until dinner when I decided to heed my furious stomach and get something to eat. Only something small though. I didn't want to make myself even fatter. I went down to the kitchen and looked in the fridge. EW. Chocolate éclairs, cake and other fatty foods. I spotted a half size yogurt tub that was 98 fat free. It seemed like the best option so I grabbed it. I walked over to the lounge and sat down, staring at the fireplace and eating my yogurt. When did I become so careful in my eating choices? I wasn't always so picky… I suppose I deserve to be fat for not taking care of myself. Stupid fat girl. No wonder no-one will ask you out.

I was so preoccupied with my thoughts that I didn't notice Malfoy come in the portrait hole but I did notice when he came and leant against the lounge next to me. I looked at him in shock and opened my mouth to question his actions when a shadow seemed to pass over his face and I thought better of it. I shut my mouth and looked back to the fire. Whatever his demons were, he didn't need me adding to them.

"Thankyou."

I glanced up at him in surprise. He must have understood my look of incomprehension because he elaborated.

"For not asking. Thankyou for not asking why I came over here. Thankyou for not treating me any different."

I stared at him, bewildered by this sudden display of gratitude before nodding slightly and going back to watch the fire. Why was I being so nice? This was going beyond civility. This was like we were actually getting along. Freaky… We sat there like that as the night descended and the stars came out. We watched as the fire slowly burnt down to embers before moving off to our separate quarters. We didn't speak to each other. We just left.

That night the dream came back.

I don't know how to describe it. Nobody dies. Nobody is hurt but in the dream there is something… Always there, always watching what I do. Following me. Sometimes I see it as a big black shadow, looming overhead and other times I don't see it at all but I feel it. Like something is sitting there at the edge of my vision and every time I turn around, it's gone. It raises the hair on my arms and paralyses me until I can't think, can't move.

I always wake up after these dreams in cold sweat with my chest burning. Sometimes I start screaming because I don't know where I am. I don't know who I am or what or anything! There is nothing for me to hold onto and I scream and scream until part of my mind realises what I'm doing and stops it. The screams die as a gurgle in my throat and I clutch the sheets in attempt to stave off the nothing again.

Sometimes I just lay there, too frightened to move until the sunlight breaks through my curtains and the day starts over. Other times though, I don't wake up properly. Instead, I get up and walk to my bathroom, half asleep. I feel the presence driving me, convincing me that it's the right thing to do as once again fumble for that razor. Once I have the razor in my hand, the presence disappears and I wake up fully. Most of the time, I am able to put the razor away but… every so often… I can't help it and then there are more lines etched into my flesh.

Tonight it was to be the screaming. After I had regained sanity I thought about the day ahead.

The days following these dreams, no matter what course I take, is always horrible. Usually people will pick up on my mood and ask me what's wrong. No-one will leave me alone and I just want to scream at them to get away! Get away and leave me alone! It's on these days that I want to curl up in a ball and die. It's on these days that Malfoy or another Slytherin comes along and says something and I can't do it. I can't be strong and act like nothing is bothering me. Most of the time I am able to run away before anyone sees the tears in my eyes. I run until I reach my dorm and then go to my bathroom and cope in my own way…

So you can see why I don't like these dreams.

Once in a while I have a good day with neither dreams nor break downs nor… anything else and it's those days that I live for. It's those days that I struggle to reach. It's those days that I'm scared that I'll never see again.

**Please Review! I need to know who you guys think she should end up with! I've had the suggestion of Remus or Severus but I want to know what the public thinks, so please! Review with your choices! virtual cookies to those that review! :P**


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